Monday, December 24, 2007

Holiday time again.

Not actually having a religion, the holidays are wearing thinner and thinner each year. I find myself wishing that the boy would just ask about Santa already so I coul tell the truth and get it over with. It's not that I don't like hiding things or seeing the kiddos faces light up, it's just that I feel kind of ambivalent towards the whole thing. As if I'm going through the motions just because. And by because I mean that we are, really.

We're not pagan. I recognize that the earth is tilted, and I am thankful that the earths tilted axis combined with its rotational speed keeps us from burning or freezing and I think that's great. I celebrate every day when I get up. By getting up.

Not being Christian, I feel no need to celebrate The Jesus' birth, especially since it was in the fall, anyway. I'm not convinced he cares one way or another whether I attend midnight mass since he's dead.

Since we're not jews, either, I really can't be too upset that we just get a day off to spend with family and friends, but it still makes me sad. More because I'm automatically assumed to be part of a club that I don't really belong to. Every once in a while I pull out my "non-member" card, but no one really cares. It must suck to be Jewish, or Muslim, or anything else but xian in a place like the US. I just don't have a tie to holidays, so they're free days off for me. But they miss out on days off or have to take time to celebrate and miss other stuff.

I have a wreath on my door. It's blue and silver - kind of ambivalent, really. I have a small tree up, because although I love our big skinny fake tree, the baby might love it too.

Anyway, the whole point of this rant is that for the holidays this year, I plan on giving the biggest gifts to myself. There's a lot of them, so hold on.

- I need to wean myself off the computer. I spend too much time reading CNN and Fark and lame celebrity websites and ignoring what's going on in my own home. I need to reconnect with my family.

- I need to stop selling myself short at work and stop making excuses. If this is going to be my year, I have to make it my year. Nobody's going to do it for me.

- I need to stop being so constantly sarcastic. It's a defense mechanism, and it works too well. Stop dropping snarky comments and relax. Along these lines, I also need to SHUT UP sometimes. Okay alot. Mom was right for once. Only say nice things.

The holidays are useless to me for most things. I'm miles away from family, and don't really hang with friends. But they do work well as a useful time stamp. A nice stopper for life to reconnect with the important things. Maybe that's what the baby Jesus would want me to do.